


Peridot's Super Stupendous Fanfiction

by Mad_Mutt



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Camp Pining Hearts, Gen, Humor, Its called subtext, Meta, Not technically shipping I think, Randomness, fanfic of a character writing a fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 03:06:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6638785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Mutt/pseuds/Mad_Mutt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an attempt to let out some frustrations, Peridot makes a AU fanfic of her favorite TV show 'Camp Pining Hearts' and casts everyone she knows as the main characters. What wonders lurk in the mind of a green space rock alien? Let's find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Peridot's Super Stupendous Fanfiction

Peridot pulled a new tape recorder from the sack. The previous one she had been using to catalog literally everything and everyone she saw at nearly every waking hour had reached its limit. She was now on her third tape recorder this week alone.

Peridot pressed the button to active her newest archiving device. “Peridot's log. Date... hold on.”

Peridot quickly checked around the barn. She checked the upper and lower levels. She checked outside the barn through the two doors that were massive compared to her diminutive size. She checked in virtually every barrel and she even check inside the car that was missing one of its doors. Once Peridot had come to the, at the moment comforting conclusion that she was totally alone she began her archiving once more.

“As I was saying. Peridot's log. Date... uh... whatever this currently is. My last calendar in this primitive place of Earth cattle was incinerated due to an accident while I was performing a requested chore.”

Peridot glanced over at a trash bin in the corner of the barn that contained the charred remains of said calendar. How in Homeworld was she suppose to know that mixing those two chemicals would've resulted in something so... explosive? Luckily, no one was harmed other than the innocent calendar.

“The Crystal Clo-. I mean Crystal Gems have yet to provide me with a replacement. On much more uplifting info, the Earthling named 'Connie' has provided me with a device known as a 'laptop.' After thoroughly examining this device I can safely report that it will likely not emit a static discharge despite its... crudeness. I have also discovered that I can type out a decently large amount of records to file for later. At first, I failed to see any use from it that my log tapes would not already provide for me.”

As Peridot talked into the tape recorder, she paced back and forth over the wooden floor with one hand placed behind her back. The little green rock alien was practically marching all over the barn, her steps nearly timed with each word that left her mouth.

“Although, after receiving some advice from 'the Connie' that writing might help me vent some... frustrations I have been having on this planet, I may have use for this laptop yet. I, Peridot, will write... something!”

Peridot shut off her tape recorder and sat down cross legged in front of her laptop in the middle of the barn. However, instead of getting right to work, Peridot held her arms in front of her. A few seconds passed, then a few minutes and then nearly an hour had passed and Peridot had not moved an inch from her spot at the center of the barn.

Peridot's teeth gnawed at her lower lip. Her forehead scrunched up. Her legs jittered in place. Eventually, Peridot took a breath and then she suddenly threw her hand up while shrieking to the heavens in frustration.

“I don't know what to write!” Peridot shouted.

After rolling on the floor a few times with her arms curled around her stomach, Peridot suddenly had an epiphany. Something that Connie had said before popped into her ever buzzing brain.

“If you don't know what to write, just pull from sources around you. Like, think of a show you like. Or maybe try to come up with something based off of your own personal experiences. Or stuff you've done with friends, but most importantly, write something that makes you happy,” past Connie explained.

Peridot rose up with starry eyes and a wide toothy grin plastered on her green face.

“That's it!” Peridot gasped.

Peridot's hands shot forward over the laptop's keyboard and her little fingers quickly tapped away at record speeds. Each keystroke gave off a satisfying click that filled the barn's high ceiling with an echo. Peridot was on a roll. Her muse had struck her like a baseball bat to the back of the skull and was currently whaling on her like an all-star hitter. It was only after a few minutes of intense hardcore typing that Peridot stopped, dramatically throwing her head back as she arched her back with her knees spread out on the rough and dusty wooden floor.

Peridot took a few heaving gasps as if she had just ran a marathon. A single bead of sweat ran down her face, past her chin and slid down to her neck. By the time Peridot had finished the first few paragraphs there was literal steam wafting off of the keyboard. The very tips of her fingers were red and pulsating.

Peridot stared at the laptop's screen, her work reflected in her visor. The toothy grin reappeared on her face.

At the very top of the document she had created, the title of her work rested.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Camp Pining Hearts:  
The New Clods  
By The Great and Lovable Peridot

I, the one and only Peridot sat in the backseat of the primitive earth vehicle known as a minivan. My maternal figure, Yellow Diamond was at the wheel and the silence between us was as thick as a three inch steel wall.

Arms crossed and pouting, the disdain I was feeling for this trip was palpable. Yellow Diamond's occasional glance at me through the rear view mirror was met with a constant glare from her height challenged daughter.

“You can pout all you want, Peridot,” Yellow Diamond finally spoke. “Its not gonna change anything. I recommend you make the most of this.”

I didn't reply. Even though I did have a few choice words to say it would've only resulted in what would likely be a very one sided argument in my maternal figure's favor. I simply corrected my drooping glasses and stared out the window at the passing trees.

It wasn't fair. There was no reason for me to be forced into some useless trip to some backwater spot in the middle of nowhere. Maybe Yellow Diamond was just trying to get rid of her own daughter? Sure, I had demonstrated that I had some anger problems, like when I kicked the television screen in last week. Even though that television shouldn't have malfunctioned in the middle of my simulated video game entertainment.

“This trip will be good for you, Peridot,” Yellow Diamond stated without looking at me.

“Whatever,” I replied, more lost in thought than anything else.

Oh, sure. Good for me. Yeah right! Peridot was always the one doing something wrong. Peridot stop staying in doors all the time doing more important stuff and go out and socialize! Peridot stop experimenting and cataloging everything, what good is that for!? Peridot stop giving your stupid clodhopping sister, Yellow Pearl a wedgie, she's sensitive.

Yellow Diamond would've never forced Yellow Pearl into this situation. Yellow Pearl was special! Yellow Pearl was precious little... pearl and not some dimwitted, pointy nosed clod with stupid fashion sense! Yellow Pearl was always the preferred daughter. Maybe it was because she was yellow while I was a green daughter. A green sheep if you will.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Peridot looked at her last sentence with a tilt of her head and scratch of her chin. “A green sheep...” she mumbled to herself. “No. No. That's stupid. Completely stupid.”

With a few rapid presses of the backspace key the sentence was gone as if it had never existed. With that done, Peridot properly positioned her fingertips back over the laptop's keyboard and resumed typing.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

I was snapped out of my completely justified inner ranting when the minivan came to a halt at the so-called prestigious, Camp Pining Hearts.

I took one look at the wooden sign on display at the camp's entrance and visibly grimaced. “They actually named this place that?” I questioned through clenched teeth.

From there, I was practically shoved out of my maternal figure's minivan along with my luggage. When I turned around, Yellow Diamond was staring at me wide eyed through the open driver's side window. Her head was practically shaking from the intensity of the glare.

“Now stay out of trouble!” Yellow Diamond demanded and immediately drove off with such speed that the tires screeched and dust was bellowed all around encasing me in a cloud dirt.

While hacking up a slight storm from the earth filth that had entered my body through my nostrils, I waved my hand several times to clear the dust from my vision. Once I had a clear line of sight again I was face to face with my welcoming party. A group of clods that I would soon come to realize were the least popular girls in camp.

One of the girls was bizarrely skinny and pale who kind of looked like my sister. Well, they had the same nose at least. The second girl was a hyperactive chicken.

“Welcome to, Camp Pining hearts!” said the skinny girl. “You must be the new member of Team Plaid. I'm Pearl and this is the team mascot, Amethyst.”

“Sup new girl?” Amethyst the talking chicken chirped.

“Are you the only members of Team Plaid?” I asked, trying to sound as deadpan as possible.

“Well... there was suppose to be one more here, but she's probably busy,” Pearl explained.

“Busy doing what?” I asked.

Before Pearl could even answer, Amethyst hopped up with fluttering feathers and landed on top of Pearl's head. Amethyst's new perch gave a displeased yelp that the linguistic chicken chose to ignore. “Busy being awesome maybe!” Amethyst answered by practically shouting in my face.

“Yeah, its so awesome that she can't be bothered to greet our third member,” Pearl complained. “Anyways, come on we'll show you around.”

I lifted my luggage and followed the pair of clods deeper into what would likely become my very own fresh slice of hell. It was pretty much everything I expected it to be. Identical cabins made of wood, a campfire spot in the exact center of the campgrounds. There was a decently large lake that was likely filled with bacteria and a disgusting amount of pollution, and dirt. Lots and lots of horrible dirt.

“Over there is the campfire where we gather around to roast marshmallows and make s'mores,” Pearl explained.

“You should hear some of Camp Counselor Mr. Universe's horror stories!” Amethyst excitedly clucked. “Especially the one about the lake monster that grabbed that one girl while she was swimming and ripped her legs off and shoved them down her thr-!”

“And over there is Team Plaid's cabin!” Pearl quickly interrupted, her face turning even more pale.

I observed the wooden structure that was going to be my new domain for the next few months. From my initial observation of the cabin it looked like the odds of receiving a splinter were higher than I had hoped. My immediate conclusion of the cabin based off of the outside view was that it was dull. Oppressively dull in fact.

The only few inches of Team Plaid's cabin that wasn't anything resembling complete drab was the area where three other clods were spray painting graffiti that spelled out, 'Team Plaid suks donkey butt, Team Sepia-Tone rulez!' in bright and vivid colors.

I had just began to wonder why they felt the need to purposefully misspell 'sucks' and 'rules' when Pearl gave off a shrill shriek. “What are you doing to our cabin!” Pearl shouted.

The graffiti spraying ne'er-do-wells where two males and one female. One male was overweight and seemed to be lacking in even basic intelligence if his thousand yard dumbass stare was anything to go by. The second male was so pencil thinned skinny I highly suspected malnutrition, also he had done something very odd to his hearing holes. The third was a blonde girl who was shorter compared to her partners in vandalism. Out of all of them, the blonde one seemed the most well adjusted, but came off to me as more a follower who was willing to blindly go along with whatever her cohorts thought up.

Amethyst pecked at my ankle with her beak to get my attention. “Those are our rivals, Team Sepia-Tone. Lars, Sadie and Ronaldo,” the purple(ish) chicken explained.

Pearl continued to squawk at the trio of vandals with a transparently panicked tone as if her very fragile world view was collapsing around her head. “This is in violation of camp-code four-five-six-seven! You can't spray paint outside of the arts and crafts hut and I highly doubt those are non-toxic! Think about the animals! What if amethyst thought that was spray on candy and tried to lick it off? You know she has the IQ of a... well a chicken!”

“We're just improving it, dweebs!” Lars said with overwhelming sarcasm.

“Yeah, dweebenheimer!” Ronaldo added.

From there Pearl and the three vandals hurled insults at each other that ranged from comparing Pearl to a flightless bird, saying that Team Plaid's mascot was lame, and the occasional curse word. Eventually, Lars said something rather nasty about Pearl's mother and Pearl’s comeback to that was leaping on top of Lars and attempting to eat his face off. The rest of us quickly tried to pull them apart.

For a moment, it looked like Pearl was going to rip open a vein in Lars' neck. The poor sap was pinned to the ground and could do no more than protect his vital spots with his arms while Pearl tried to rip him a new one. Luckily for Lars, the excessive mauling came to a halt when we heard the loud buzzing of a motorcycle.

We all simultaneously turned our heads in the direction of the roaring motor. From behind the trees drove a much larger and muscular girl riding a motorcycle. The tires skidded to a complete stop right next to us and some dirt was kicked up right into my face.

With a groan, I wiped the dirt away from my cheeks. “Watch it!” I hissed.

The tall girl tilted her sunglasses and replied, “Sorry.”

Everyone had stopped shouting and fighting and fallen completely silent. It was as if the very presence of this incredibly tall girl with big black hair demanded their undivided attention and respect.

“That's, Garnet,” Amethyst clucked after hopping onto my shoulder. “She's the third the member of Team Plaid, but she doesn't hang around camp much?”

Why?” I asked cocking an eyebrow.

“Because she's just too awesomely cool, duh,” Amethyst answered as if it was obvious.

“Garnet! Where have you been?” Pearl asked.

“Cruisin,” was Garnet's brief response. Garnet sat up and crossed her arms while keeping the leather mount of her ride squeezed in between her insanely powerful looking thighs. “You know something?” Garnet spoke again and everyone immediately listened, “It's cool to express yourself, but vandalizing someone's property is never the way to do it.”

“We're sorry, Garnet,” simultaneously replied all three members of Team Sepia-Tone.

“And Pearl,” Garnet said, as she shifted her sun shaded vision to the pointy nosed clod in question, “watch your temper. It's not cool to eat someone's face either.”

Pearl didn't answer. She only blushed and pouted while casting a sideways glance down at her own feet. I also noted that Pearl was rubbing her own arm and her pose had become somewhat stiff.

“We all cool now?” Garnet asked everyone.

Everyone nodded together.

“Cool,” Garnet said with a grin. She then spun her motorcycle around and drove back into the woods while popping a wheelie and pumping her fist into the air.

As Garnet sped away, the front door of the camp counselor Mr. Universe's cabin was thrown open with a loud crack. A middle aged man who somehow had no hair on the top of his head, but had a long flowing mane in the back of his head that went all the way down past his butt came running out. He was followed by a young girl with long black hair who was carrying a clipboard with her.

“Garnet! What have I told you about-!” the middle aged and somewhat overweight man called out before cutting himself off. “Darn, she's already gone. That Garnet is such a rebel.”

“Astute observation, sir,” the girl who followed him around said.

The camp counselor turned to face me with a grin on his face. “You must be, Peridot?”

I nodded.

“Great! Now Team Plaid has a full roster. I'm camp counselor, Greg Universe and this is my assistant, Connie.”

“I'll start drawing up plans for the competition tomorrow, sir,” Connie said before taking her pencil and jotting away on her clipboard.

“Okay, shows over,” Greg called out. “Everyone go about your business and stay out of trouble.”

Greg walked back into his cabin with his assistant shuffling right behind him, her eyes never leaving her clipboard. The rest of us headed in the direction of our respective cabins.

“You're all gonna lose tomorrow!” Ronaldo shouted. “Especially you, nerd!”

Ronaldo then made a series of obscene gestures with his hands that were directed right at me. My response was a simple roll of my eyes, but what I should have done was taken a big rock and bashed his primitive brains in until he lost the ability to speak his native language! If I only had a particle annihilator I would've shot him in the mouth to silence that garbage spewing maw and do the whole freaking universe a favor in that it would never have hear his stupid voice ever again!

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

“Then I would've strapped the insufferable clod to a rocket ship, blasted him off into space and right into the center of this planet's freaking sun!” Peridot shouted out loud while furiously tapping away on her keyboard. She would've have ranted even longer had she not looked up and saw Steven standing in the barn's doorway and staring at her.

Steven was totally silent and his expression was difficult to read. The boy's current mood seemed to be somewhere between awkward and a little frightened. Peridot, meanwhile had clasped her mouth shut.

There was exactly five seconds of uneasy silence between them until, Steven dared to speak. “You know, Ronaldo isn't that bad once you get to know him.”

Peridot tried to open her mouth to say something, but no words came.

Steven started to back up out of the barn, his eyes never straying away from Peridot. It was like he was staring down a wild animal that he was trying to slowly put distance away from. “You seem busy,” Steven said while putting his hands up. “I'll leave you be.”

At last, Steven had completely exited the barn and Peridot was alone again. Peridot spent a few second twiddling her thumbs together before she returned to her typing.

“Maybe I'll skip ahead a bit,” Peridot said to herself.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

It was nightfall and we were all gathered around the campfire roasting marshmallows. Team Plaid and Team Sepia-Tone all sat on logs opposite of each other and neither side dared speak a word to the other. Between the opposing teams sat the camp counselor, Greg Universe who was in the middle of a local horror story about a lake monster.

“And they say the lake monster, Malachite drags her victims under the water and chomps them in half,” Greg spoke in the lowest voice he could muster while wiggling his fingers in a way that he likely thought was creepy. “The bodies are never found because she eats what's left after she's done making coats out of their skin.”

Pearl's entire body was shaking and her legs were tightly crossed like she was trying to avoid peeing herself. She was trying to hide her fear, but she was as transparent as a freshly polished jellyfish.

“Quite the scary story, sir,” Connie complimented her boss.

Amethyst ruffled her feathers and said, “Dude, that's like the fifth time you've told that story.”

Greg just shrugged and replied, “What can I say. Malachite the lake monster is about the only thing this camp has going for it in terms of urban legends. Expect those two campers who disappeared while rafting last year, but that story gets way too real.”

“We only found their boat,” Connie added.

“Okay!” Pearl suddenly squawked. “We've had enough scary stories for now, how about we tell some jokes! Uh... anybody know any jokes?”

Pearl's already shivering appearance suddenly stiffened when we all heard the distinct sound of a twig snapping some where in the woods. “What was that!?” Pearl squeaked like a frightened magpie.

Greg flashed a sharp grin. “Maybe it was the lake monster, Malachite?” Greg said in a low voice for dramatic effect.

“Camp Counselor Mr. Universe,” Pearl whined. “Will you please cut the-.”

Before Pearl could even finish what she was saying, a massive beast with sharp teeth and claws came charging out of the wood screaming and waving its arms. It was actually just Garnet wearing a Bigfoot costume that had likely been purchased at a dollar store. Despite the costumes cheap appearance it still manage to make most of us jump and shout in surprise. The only two of us who didn't shout in terror was Greg and Connie, Greg was howling in laughter and slapping his round belly while Connie sat next him completely deadpan.

While we were all briefly frightened by Garnet's harmless ambush, Pearl had launched up out of her seat on the wooden log and was running around with her hands in the air and screaming. “Ah! Its Malachite!” Pearl screamed, her voice almost cawing like a terrified crow. “Don't let her catch me! I like my skin! Ah!”

“Pearl! Wait!” Greg called. Greg's attempts at calming Pearl were futile. She had already darted into the bushes with her hands up in the air and waving around in terror.

“Sorry,” Garnet said as she removed the cheap Bigfoot mask. “My scare factor was too awesome.”

Greg sighed and said, “Don't worry about it, Garnet.”

From where we all sat, we could see Pearl climbing up a tree and latching onto a branch. She was also still crying about how her skin should remain solely on her body.

“You kids stay here and eat your marshmallows,” Greg ordered. “I'll try to get Pearl down from there before she gets a splinter.”

Greg stepped past the same bushes that Pearl had stormed through and walked up to the tree Pearl had scaled like a penguin with a jet pack. Both of Pearl's arms and legs had been wrapped around the tree branch. She had even sunk her teeth into the wood just so she had something else to cling with.

“Pearl! Get down!” Greg called up to her while we all tried not to stare, which was easier said than done. The Pearl's flight over fight response was quite the amusing sight, but despite how hilarious it was we all silently agreed that the more polite thing to do was to focus on roasting your marshmallows. Some of us still couldn't stop the occasional snicker or two.

“Come on, Pearl. You can't stay up there all night,” Greg called again.

“No!” Pearl shouted back with a mouth full of branch.

“It was just Garnet in a Sasquatch suit! It wasn't even a very convincing one! Climb down Pearl, it'll be okay!” Greg said and he held up his hand.

Pearl finally looked down at Greg. “You promise?” Pearl asked in a tiny voice.

“I promise,” Greg replied with a smile.

Pearl slowly shimmied her way down the tree. When she was about halfway down, she slipped with her arms making circles in the air as she fell. Luckily for Pearl, Greg was there to catch her in his arms.

“I got ya!” Greg said and he gently sat Pearl down on her feet.

I couldn't stop myself from making slight sideways glance at the two of them. Even from where I sat I could see the redness in Pearl's cheeks as the moonlight shined down on her pale skin. Greg was patting her on the shoulder and she could barely even look him straight in the eyes. Pearls fingers were interlocked and her face looked like it was in a strange daze.

“That was a close one, huh?” Greg asked.

Pearl seemed to snap back to reality and she actually managed to look up at Greg. “Uh, yes. Thank you, Mr. Universe,” Pearl replied, the blush never leaving her face.

Based off of Pearls demeanor in that instance I made the simple deduction that this Pearl character had total crush on Greg Universe. After discovering this I lk asdjfajsdflka j aslkdfj

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

“What the!?” Pearl shouted in Peridot's ear so loud it caused the little green gem girl to mash the keyboard with her fingertips.

Peridot turned to look at Pearl, who was glaring daggers. Pearl had wandered into the barn and saw how focused Peridot had become with her typing. Pearl had dared to sneak a peek to see what Peridot had gotten so wrapped up in. Obviously, Pearl had not liked what she had spied.

Outside the barn Greg Universe was fiddling with the engine of his van while Amethyst stood next to him. Amethyst wasn't doing much else than making conversation since she couldn't tell a van engine from a human brain. Across from them, Steven was using a pile of hay as an impromptu slide. It was all a very quiet and serene sight until Peridot came running out of the barn while clutching her laptop to her chest. Pearl was right behind her and screaming like a banshee.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared in total silence at the sudden excitement. Peridot made a beeline straight to Steven shouting, “Steven! Protect me!”

Peridot climbed up the pile of hay, nearly slipping and quickly hid behind Steven's back.

“What's going on?” Steven tried to ask in his confusion.

“Quick! Summon your shield! She's gone crazy!” Peridot begged.

Pearl stopped in her tracks, Steven acting as a wall that keep the two gems separate. Pearl was practically steaming from anger with gnashing teeth and fire in her eyes.

“Get back here you, you little green troll!” Pearl demanded.

“I don't know what's going on, but can we please not fight?” Steven pleaded with the both of them.

“That nosy clod is trying to censor me!” Peridot shouted while shaking her fist.

“She's what?” Steven questioned.

“She's been typing nothing but lies and slander!” Pearl shouted, her eyes going bloodshot.

“What has she been typing!?” Steven asked, the pressure of the situation already getting to him.

“I only-.” Peridot started.

“Don't! You tell him what's in that terrible tome!” Pearl interrupted.

Steven was just starting to panic when he saw his dad walking up to Pearl. Deep in his little kid mind, Steven begged his dad would do a better job at defusing the situation than he was.

Pearl hadn't even noticed that Greg had walked right up behind her and she even flinched when Greg chanced to place a hand on her shoulder. When Pearl turned to look at Greg her anger turned to embarrassment and her face went oddly red. It must've confused Greg because he raised an eyebrow at Pearl's sudden blushing.

“Pearl,” Greg finally spoke. “Whatever is happening, just let it go. It's not worth it. Come on, you said you'd help change the transmission in my van.”

Pearl blinked once and said, “Yes! We'll do that. And nothing else!”

“Great!” Greg said with a smile.

As Greg and Pearl walked away, Greg turned to look at his son and Steven mouthed a silent, “Thank you,” and Greg gave a thumbs up.

“Its called subtext, Pearl!” Peridot suddenly blurted out.

Pearl tightened up and spun around while shouting, “There is no subtext! You're just wrong!”

When Greg and Pearl had walked all the way over to the van, Steven plopped down on the hay with a sigh of relief. “Seriously, what was that all about?” Steven asked, but never got a reply because Peridot was already hurrying her way back to the barn.

When Peridot returned to the barn, she went to the part of the upper floor where the television and couch sat. Peridot settled into the soft cushions and sat her laptop on her folded legs.

After checking once more that Pearl wasn't about to ambush her, Peridot began to type once more. “Alright, next chapter.”

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

That night, when it was time for all of us to sleep in our cabins I had a strange dream. I was sleeping in the bottom bunk while Pearl snoozed in the one above me. Garnet was meditating on the cabin's roof and Amethyst was resting soundly in her chicken coop.

It had taken me a long time to finally doze off and when I did I dreamed that a strange pink light shined through the cabin's window. The light almost seemed like it was coming down from the moon itself. Slowly a tall glowing figure floated down along the beam of light and phased into the cabin.

As the light started to fade away the figure stepped forth. It was a woman, a very tall woman. She wore a pure white dress and had giant pink curly hair. She looked down at my sleeping form and smiled. With a wave of her magic wand a chubby fairy boy appeared. The boy stretched and yawned as if he was waking up from a long nap.

“Look after this one. She's gonna need a lot of help,” the tall woman said and the boy nodded.

The woman then floated back up the light out of the cabin and into the night sky.

When I woke up with a start, I was the only one in the cabin. I looked around and saw that Pearl was outside through the window. Pearl was doing her morning stretches in preparation for today's competition. Amethyst was doing her species native dance of running around in circles while clucking and jumping.

I shook the metaphorical cobwebs from my head and pulled my tired butt out of bed. I shuffled into the bathroom with my eyes half open. I nearly bumped into the door from how tired I was. Once inside the bathroom I made my daily tooth cleaning ritual while staring at my reflection in the mirror. It was then a chubby little face emerged from my hair and greeted me with a dreadfully cheery and wide grin.

“Good morning, Peridot!” The boy inside my hair chimed.

I reacted accordingly. “What the cloding craptastic fudge sickle!?”

I nearly fell over before the boy flew out of my hair with his little fairy wings.

“Easy now, Peridot!” the boy shushed.

“Who are you!? What are you!? And why were you in my hair!?” I demanded.

“I'm Steven!” the boy replied with that big smile seemingly forever frozen to his face. “I'm your conscience!”

“That's impossible! I have no conscience !” I shouted at the chipper little fairy boy.

“I know! That's why I'm here!” Steven replied matter-of-factly.

“Peridot!” Pearl called from outside the cabin. “You up!? We gotta get ready for the games!”

With that, Steven flew back into my hair. “You'd better hurry, Peridot,” Steven advised. After he had entered my hair, Steven poked his head back out and added, “Also, don't tell anyone about me.”

“Why?”

“You're not allowed. Also, if you do I'll just teleport away and you'll look like a total nutcase.”

I growled at the Steven fairy and he just shook his finger at me while telling me that was rude. “No. That was rude.”

After I walked outside and joined up with the girls, the morning games had begun. Team Plaid and Team Sepia-Tone always had these competitions that would usually last all day. First was the three legged race. I was tied to Pearl while Sadie and Lars raced us. Our opponents quickly pulled ahead of us so I attempted to employ the cunning strategy of tripping Sadie with my free foot. It would've sealed the victory for us if the Steven fairy hadn't pulled on my hair when he saw me stick my leg out. I wondered what was going through Pearl's head when I suddenly shouted, “You dirty, fluttering, fairy clod!”

We lost the three legged race.

Second came the talent competition. We won thanks mostly to Pearl's dancing. Surprisingly, Lars knew how to dance as well, but Greg disqualified him because of how and I quote, 'Lewd' his moves were. I'm not sure if I disagree, but the part where he ripped off his cloths while pelvic thrusting was rather... excessive. No one else was complaining though. Especially, Amethyst and Sadie, they were both tossing green paper currency onto the stage. I still have no idea what the point of that ritual was.

For the talent competition, Garnet also displayed an interesting skill. She was able to completely repair a jukebox just by punching it.

Capture the flag was a fun event, but it ended very quickly thanks to Garnet's motorcycle. Not sure why she was allowed to cheat when the Steven fairy would yank on my hair if I did, but whatever. I wasn't bitter. Tiny clod.

After a whole series of events, both teams had an almost even score and it came down to the canoe race which was worth the most points out of all of the games. We had to win this one to take the trophy. In order to do so, I did the only thing I could think of. I had to cheat.

The idea came to me when I saw Connie with her note pad. She seemed to be examining the integrity of the paddles for our boats. I had to act fast while she was still in the open. I reached into my hair and felt around until I found where Steven was hiding.

“Peridot! That tickles!” Steven giggled when I grabbed him.

“Got ya!” I shouted in triumph.

After clutching Steven's tiny body I chucked him as hard as I could at Connie's head. The little fairy beaned the short girl right in the head. Connie somehow still managed to catch the dazed Steven as he fell.

Connie held the tiny fairy boy in her hands with her mouth agape. Steven shook his head to regain his composure and gasped when he realized he was face to face with a human.

“Oh my...” Connie mumbled.

“Uh...” was all Steven could say.

“You are the most adorable thing I have ever seen in my short meaningless existence,” Connie said, her eyes wide as saucers. “The very sight of you gives me an all new reason to live. I will keep you forever and love you and pet you and call you, George.”

“My name's Steven actually.”

“Then I will call you Steven.”

Connie then quickly tightened her grip around Steven's tiny body and she dash off with him, dropping her note pad and pen in the process. I couldn't believe how well that worked. I even did a quick fist pump while shouting, “Ho-Wha!”

With Steven literally out of my hair it was time to drill a few holes in Team-Sepia Tone's canoe. I quickly went to work drilling no less than five holes all the way up and down the canoe. Once my work was complete, I ran back to meet up with the rest of my team, grinning from ear to ear the whole way.

Even as the race began the grin on my face remain. Me and Pearl shared a canoe and we were up against Lars and Ronaldo. When Greg gave us the signal to paddle with all our might, me and Pearl furiously stroked as hard as we could. Lars and Ronaldo did the same, but there was problem. They weren't sinking.

Just as I started to wonder what had gone wrong, my answer came for me in the form of Pearl shrieking in my ear. “Peridot! We're sinking!” Pearl cried out.

Apparently, I had drilled holes in the wrong boat.

Me and Pearl tried to bail the water out of our boat, but it was to no avail. Soon enough, the two of us were neck deep in water. When Ronaldo and Lars saw what had happened they decided to rub salt into the wound by shouting insults at us.

“How did we sink!?” Pearl whined.

“Those clods must've drilled a hole in our boat. That's the only way... and nothing else.”

Lars and Ronaldo had pretty much just stopped even trying to win the race at this point. It was way more fun for them to just taunt our soaking wet forms. Lars was now putting more effort in shaking his butt in our general direction than paddling.

“Look at Team Plaid!” Lars hooted. “All wet like drowning beavers!”

“It looks like you two are-!” Ronaldo started to say.

Suddenly, a large green fist shot out of the water and uppercut Lars and Ronaldo into the air along with their boat. The two clods flew through the air screaming in high pitched tones I never thought they could make. When Lars and Ronaldo became nothing but a twinkle in the distance, Sadie dropped to her knees and cried out, “Why!” drawing out the word as she raised her fists into the air.

Me and Pearl were left to stare on as a gargantuan green she-best slowly rose out of the water. The water rushed and shook as the monster's full erect form stood before us. Its mere appearance alone evoked terrify power that knew no equal. Its muscles rippled, its fangs glinted in the sunlight, its four eyes all shined with murderous intent. Honestly though, it was actually kind of attractive as a far as giant she-beasts go.

The she-beast reared its head back and made a roar that would even make the bravest of warrior's blood run icy cold. “Blargsnarf!”

“Holy crap!” Greg shouted from the docks while pointing at the she-beasts. “It's the lake monster Malachite!”

Pearl just rolled her eyes and with a heavy amount of snark she said, “Pfft. Come on, Garnet! I know that's you in a suit! You're not fooling anybody!”

“Pearl!” Amethyst shouted from across the lake. “Garnet's over here next to me!”

Pearl looked over at Garnet, who was standing on land and waving at her. Pearl turned her head back to face Malachite, who was glaring right down at her with a toothy grin that showed off her massive fangs. They were the kind of fangs that looked like they were made to crush bone.

“Hm...” was the sound Pearl made with a nod. Pearl suddenly leaped into the air and ran along the water like those weird lizards I saw on a nature channel one time. “I don't want to be turned into a coat!” Pearl cried as she bolted away.

I was in the same hurry as Pearl was. I swam to shore kicking my legs and splashing my arms as hard as I could. By the time I got back on land, Malachite was breathing fire on Team-Sepia Tone's cabin and shooting eye lasers at the arts and crafts center.

Greg had his hands on his head and was already panicking. “What are we gonna do! That thing's gonna burn down the whole camp!”

To be fair, we were all in freaking out pretty hard. All of us except, Garnet. Somehow Garnet was stone still and staring right up at Malachite's intimidating form.

Malachite jumped into the air and did a flying elbow drop on the lunch hall.

“You monster!” Amethyst shouted. “You have no respect for food!?”

“How can we possibly stop something like that!?” Pearl shouted while hiding behind Garnet.

Suddenly, Garnet spoke, “I'm gonna jump it.”

“What?” Pearl squawked.

“I'm gonna jump it,” Garnet repeated. “It's the only way. I need you all to make the biggest ramp possible! I'll get my motorcycle!”

Without question, we all gathered as much wood as we could find from the destroyed remains of Malachite's rampage. We tried as hard as we could, but the resulting ramp was questionable at best. None of us were sure if it would give Garnet the air she needed to make the jump. Despite it all, Garnet came riding up on her motorcycle.

Garnet stopped by the ramp just as Greg put the finishing touches on it. Once he was done Greg rushed to her side saying, “This is the best we could do. You'll have to get as much speed as you can if you want to clear that monster's head.”

“It'll be enough,” Garnet replied. If she was nervous, she wasn't showing it.

Pearl timidly approached Garnet. Pearl's hands were interlocked against her chest and she looked like she was about to cry.

“Be careful, Garnet,” Pearl pleaded.

Without a word, Garnet placed a hand on Pearl's head and ruffled her hair. Garnet flashed a smile and revved her ride's motor. The motorcycle's wheels spun around and Garnet road it past the trees to make more distance between her and the ramp. The entire machine roared and growled in between Garnets strong thighs and she pumped the throttle as hard as she could.

Garnet sped past the trees and right past Pearl who watched her as she went the whole way up to the ramp.

“I love you,” Pearl whispered.

Garnet hit the ramp at what had to have been top speed. I could've sworn the motorcycle had grown wings. Garnet sailed into the air and she went right over Malachite's head. We were all in awe, even Malachite herself. The sunlight itself even seemed to shine solely on Garnet, illuminating her like a motorcycle riding angel.

It was then, at that moment, as Garnet soared over Malachite in slow motion while raising her fist into the air that I realized something. None of us had bothered to ask how this was actually supposed to solve the problem.

Suddenly, Malachite leaped into the air while shouting, “Redacted!” and the big green she-beast spiked Garnet and her motorcycle like it was a star volleyball player.

We all gasped as Garnet was smacked back down to earth. As if that wasn't painful looking enough, Garnet collided with a tree branch that ripped her in half along the torso.

When the two halves of Garnet landed in the dirt before us, we were all in shocked silence. Sadie had to run behind a tree to vomit.

Suddenly, something started to move under Garnet's upper half and a small girl with black hair poked her head out of Garnet's open torso. Meanwhile, another girl who could've been a little child poked her head out of Garnet's severed lower half.

“Ruby, are you okay?” one of the girls inside the Garnet suit asked her companion.

The small girl with black hair clenched her teeth at us and shouted, “Oh crap! Sapphire! They're onto us! We gotta get outta here!”

Ruby grabbed Sapphire by her arm and dashed into the bushes along with her. We were all kind of... speechless.

Amethyst was the first to speak. “Did any of you know she was just two kids standing on each others shoulders?” Amethyst asked all of us.

“Hm,” Greg hummed. “Explains why she had two birthdays on her profile.”

“I could've gone to jail...” Pearl whispered to herself.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Peridot typed away at the keyboard for about another hour. She kept going while remaining ultra-focused on her work until her fingers suddenly stopped moving. Peridot sighed and scratched her nose before returning her finger back over the keyboard, but she didn't type. She rubbed her chin and with a groan she whined, “Crap! I don't know how to end it!”

For a few minutes, Peridot paced back and forth trying to think up an ending. No inspiration would come though. Eventually, she decided to get some air. She closed her laptop, picked it up and headed for the barn doors. When she exited the barn, she saw that the sun was just starting to set and was taken aback a bit.

“Its really been that long?” Peridot mumbled.

Everyone else had left the barn. Peridot briefly wondered why no one had let her know until she spotted a note that had been taped to the barn door. The note had her name written on it in big letters that looked like Steven's handwriting. Peridot took the note and saw that it was in fact from Steven. The note said that they had left without her, but Steven tried to tell her they were leaving. Apparently, Peridot hadn't even noticed when Steven was talking with her. When Steven saw how focused on the laptop she was, he thought it was best to let her be.

Peridot just shrugged. “Seems about right,” She mumbled.

On her own, Peridot walked down the hill from the barn towards the beach. Towards the only place on this little planet that could even come close to calling home.

As Peridot came closer to the beach she could hear music playing. Really loud music. Greg's van was parked on the beach and the back of it was wide open. A radio sat in the sand that blared headbanging music.

Greg strummed an invisible guitar. Steven and Connie did something that resembled dancing that was mostly jumping up and down and running around in the sand. Amethyst stood next to Greg and she had her hands on her knees and was headbanging so hard that her long messy hair flung wildly in the air. The only one who wasn't bouncing around like crazy person was Pearl, who sat in a small chair looking more awkward than anything else.

When one song ended, the next track on the CD played and the groups fun continued.

“Use my body to keep you alive,” the voice in the radio said.

Peridot didn't intend to join in with the 'fun' the group was having and she still figured it was best to keep her distance from Pearl, for now. Despite it all, she did want to talk with Connie. Maybe she would have some advice about coming up with an ending or getting over writer's block. Connie wasn't in a place to talk with right now, the young girl's erratic movements and the boundless energy the music had given her and Steven made Peridot feel... nervous.

There were a few times during Steven and Connie's wild 'dancing' that Pearl felt a sudden need to get out of her chair. However, Pearl never got any further than lifting her butt slightly up before sitting back down with her hands in her lap.

When Peridot worked up the courage to approach the madness, she stuck mostly to the side of the van. Amethyst offered Peridot a chance to join in, but Peridot's only response was the rapid shaking of her head. All Amethyst did was shrug and go back to thrashing her head back and forth.

“Never gonna stop now! Never gonna stop!” the radio blared.

Steven and Connie joined hands and spun around together faster and faster, both of them laughing like they had lost their minds. Soon enough the two of them glowed and became a single being. The sudden fusion didn't even slow them down. Now that the two of them had become one, they only danced even harder and faster. They didn't stop until Peridot yelped from the surprise almost dropping the laptop in the process.

“Oh my stars!” Peridot gasped.

Stevonnie stopped dancing and blushed at Peridot. “Oh! Hey, Peridot.”

“But... but...” Peridot stuttered.

“Yeah, this happens by accident sometimes,” Stevonnie explained while scratching their head.

Peridot ran right up to Stevonnie and started looking at them from every possible angle and talking at a million miles a minute. “How is this possible? You're both organic beings! Well, Steven is half organic and half gem! But Connie! Connie's totally organic! She is organic right!? What have you been hiding from me!? Are there secret non-organic humans!? Or can you just do this because Steven's part earthling!? Can Steven fuse with any human!? Can he fuse with his dad? Can he-.”

“Peridot!” Stevonnie said with a laugh. “Ease down girl, one question at a time.”

“Wait!” Peridot suddenly shouted suddenly looking very angry. “You're both taller than me now! That's not fair!”

Stevonnie tried to hold back their laughter, but the giggles came through and quickly lead to them clutching their sides and howling like a hyena. “Sorry, Peridot,” They said once their laughter calmed down.

Amethyst took a seat by Greg and said, “Looks like Peri found out about Stevonnie.”

“I'm surprised you hadn't told her,” Greg said as he went through his CDs.

“We didn't tell you either,” Amethyst said while rubbing her left elbow with her hand.

“Well, I assumed, Steven felt a little awkward about it,” Greg replied with a shrug. “They did seem kind of embarrassed when I found out. Not that they had a reason to.”

Stevonnie had crouched down to Peridot's level. “Writer's block, huh?” Stevonnie asked the little green gem.

“Yeah,” Peridot replied. “Uh, am I talking with Connie right now?”

“You're kinda talking to both of us. Sorta, I think. Or something like that,” Stevonnie attempted to explain.

“Well, what should I do about it?” Peridot asked.

“You don't have to finish this thing in one day, Peridot. Take a second to sleep on it. Ideas will come to you.”

“I don't sleep though,” Peridot replied, her expression looking slightly annoyed.

Stevonnie shook her head with a smile and said, “It's a figure of speech.”

“Okay then. I shall 'sleep on it' until later,” Peridot said and walked away. “I thank you for your assistance Steven-Connie Fusion.”

“You can just call us, Stevonnie,” they said with a smile.

Peridot walked away from the group just as Greg had put on another song. She walked all the way up to the little house by the temple and entered through the front door. The house was empty and quiet. Once she had shut the front door behind her, Peridot walked into the bathroom and laid down inside the tub with the laptop resting on her belly.

Into her tape recorder Peridot said, “I shall now, 'sleep on it' as advised.”

What followed was a full half hour of Peridot staring at the ceiling until a light bulb went off in her head.

“Oh my stars! It worked!” Peridot practically sang.

Peridot quickly opened her laptop and turned it on.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

“Told you it would work Peridot,” Connie said to me with her nose pointed straight up in self satisfaction.

Despite Connie's smug attitude, I was pleasantly surprised. The trap had gone better than I expected, honestly. I should remember to congratulate Connie later. As archaic as simply tripping Malachite with a clothesline seemed, the giant she-beast had gone down and ended up being impaled on a tree. Who would've known? Connie apparently.

To our surprise when Malachite was impaled on a tree, she literally fell apart and we could see inside of her. It wasn't as disgusting as it might've sounded. Malachite was actually a large wooden machine wrapped up in a big green monster costume. In the center of wooden skeleton that made up Malachite's insides were a pair of women I hadn't seen before sitting on a bicycle like contraption. One woman was a big muscular lady with long spiky hair and the other was a rather grumpy looking skinny girl with blue hair.

“I knew it!” Connie boasted. “Malachite was never real. It was two girls operating a wooden contraption!”

“Wait a minute!” Greg gasped. “I know those two! It's Jasper and Lapis! The two campers who disappeared! Where have you two been!? We all thought you were dead!”

“What do you think!?” Jasper barked. “We've been making this thing!”

“Why would you want to destroy my camp!?” Greg demanded.

“Why do you think?” Jasper replied pounding her fist while Lapis just rolled her eyes. “There's gold buried under the lake. We wanted to scare you all off and keep it for ourselves.”

“Well that's selfish of you two,” Steven chastised while sitting atop of Connie's head.

“Easy for you to say!” Jasper shouted so hard she was practically spitting. “We needed the money for Lapis' operation. The grump gland in her brain that makes her grumpy has grown so intense that she needs to have a doctor fix it. If it isn't fixed her own face will be sucked into her body from how hard she's furrowing her brow.”

“It's a very dire circumstance,” Lapis said with a dower tone.

“Yeah, so who's the assholes now, huh?” Jasper sassed.

“You guys are, that's who,” Lapis added.

“Wait,” Pearl butted in. “If Malachite isn't real then how did they make it breath fire and shoot eye lasers?”

“Isn't obvious?” Jasper barked. “We used mirrors that reflected light off of the sun!”

“Yeah,” Lapis groaned. “What are you, idiots?”

“Still though,” Connie spoke up, “wearing a costume like this was kinda weird. I mean, don't you think that's a little crazy?”

Amethyst suddenly sighed. “Yeah, all this stuff with Malachite and Garnet has really opened my mind.”

Amethyst reached one of her wings around her back and unzipped a zipper that none of had noticed until now. Amethyst's chicken suit fell off of her body and the real Amethyst stepped out while unwrapping her long and messy hair.

“Holy crap! You're not really a talking chicken!?” I blurted out.

“Yup,” was Amethyst's simple reply.

“How did you fit in that chicken costume?” I asked, scratching my head.

“Yoga classes,” Amethyst explained with a shrug. “You should try them sometime, Peridot.”

“Hold on!” Pearl yelled while pulling an egg out of her pocket that had the name, Opal written on it. “If you're not a chicken, then how did I lay an egg!?”

“I got an idea!” Steven suddenly called out. “If Lapis need the money for grump reduction surgery, then how about we all chip in and help them get the treasure out of the lake and if there's anything left over we can use it to rebuild the camp!”

“Dude,” Amethyst said, “did that moth on Connie's head just talk?”

“He's been there the whole time Amethyst,” Connie said.

“Man, I gotta pay more attention to stuff,” Amethyst said with a laugh.

We all laughed.

In the end we all decided to help Lapis and Jasper get the treasure for Lapis' grump reduction operation. We even managed to find Ruby and Sapphire out in the woods. The two short girls had been surviving off of squirrel flesh and Ruby was half feral when we found them, but we still managed to get them to help us retrieve the treasure.

It took us the whole day, but we fished an entire chest filled with gold and jewels out of the lake and did a group high five. Afterwards, we all piled into Greg's van and he drove us into town and over to the nearest emergency center. When the nurse took Lapis away in a wheelchair we all waved and wished her luck. Lapis gave us all the finger and thanked us for our well wishes.

Hours went by. Some of us were pacing back and forth, others were sitting and fidgeting in their seats. Just when the stress was starting to get to us, the nurse came back and said we could all visit Lapis now. We all nervously entered her room, but to our great relief, Lapis was smiling. She was actually smiling! I had no idea it was possible!

Lapis waved at us and said, “Hey everyone, it's great to see you!” she was so much cheerier now. Lapis even made extra sure to be nicer to me, Peridot.

I spent some time talking with Lapis and got to know her better since she had become so much more approachable. We ended up being the best of friends. When Lapis was released from the hospital I even invited her to come visit my family. After showing Lapis my house we took turns tackling my sister, Yellow Pearl and pulling her underwear up over her head. We would cackle and laughed as Yellow Pearl ran around screaming that she couldn't see.

When I moved out, me and Lapis became roommates and one of our favorite things to do was skip along grassy fields at sunset while holding hands. Our relationship was the strongest platonic relationship that had ever existed.

The End.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

It was the next morning. Out in front of the barn, Connie sat on the grass in front of Peridot's laptop. Connie was reading everything the green gem had spent the near entirety of yesterday typing while Peridot anxiously waited. Connie's eyes were narrowed and she had her hand over her mouth. It was clear she was going over Peridot’s work with a very strict critical eye.

Peridot was visibly nervous as she sat in front of Connie. “What part are you on?” Peridot asked, her excitement giving way to impatience.

“Hold on,” Connie replied, putting her hand up. “Okay... alright... done!”

“Great! What do you think of it?”

Connie sighed and took a moment to think as if she was trying to find just the right words to accurately articulate the thoughts going through her head. Peridot could not stop the vibrations in her body.

“It's kind of...” Connie started to say while rotating her hands around themselves.

“Amazing? Incredible? Super? Stupendous?” Peridot offered.

“It's kind of... stupid.” Connie finished.

Peridot fell silent.

“Was it suppose to be stupid? I didn't know if you wanted me to laugh or take it seriously so... yeah. Also, was there a reason why the characters were named after all of us? I mean, could you not just think up names on your own... or is there something you wanna talk about?”

Peridot shut her laptop and picked it up. “Thank you for your time, Connie,” Peridot said and walked away.

“Uh... you're welcome,” Connie replied, her tone laced with confusion.

When Peridot was out earshot of Connie, she put her tape record up to her mouth and whispered, “Peridot's log. It's become clear to me that this planet is not ready for my work. Perhaps one day.”


End file.
